Skimming over loneliness
by Minkey222
Summary: Imagine if Charlie, instead of being bad again after being told not to talk to the other wallflowers, became depressed. This is what I imagine, (slight au,but after this would go back to the normal canon-verse) Includes dear friend letters and Sam's POV. Warning: Self harm and suicide attempts.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello friend. Just a little idea that I had. It is actually a perks of being a wallflower imagine that I put on my tumblr. This is set after Charlie kissed Sam instead of Mary Elizabeth. Enjoy!**

 **warning self harm (nondescript), suicide (mentioned briefly)**

Dear Friend,

It's been 2 weeks since I last saw my friends. I'm getting bad again. When I say 'bad' I don't mean seeing things. It's much worse than that. I try to participate. I truly do. But living isn't appealing anymore. I'm not living as it is. I'm alive, yes. But being alive isn't the same as living, because living means feeling and I just want to be numb.

I want to speak to my friends again. I attempt to make conversation but they brush it off like it doesn't mean anything. Like I don't mean anything. They say that they're 'busy' or 'aren't feeling it' or sometimes just ignore me entirely. I don't blame them because if I had the choice I wouldn't talk to me either.

Ever since I messed everything up I don't leave the house except to go to school and I rarely leave my room as it is. I avoid conversation with other people, especially my family. I don't go to any of my favourite places anymore. Mainly because the memories they held made me feel and I don't want to feel anymore.

I've just not been normal since they stopped talking with me. I really, truly messed things up. I ruined everything we had. But what Mary Elizabeth said, about us not really being friends, is true. They must not care for me. Because people who care are supposed to see when each other are hurting.

I'm not really functioning anymore. I'm too tired to sleep and too hungry to eat. These mundane activities are mind numbing and that's what I want. But whenever I shut my eyes I see the look of hurt on Sam's face and I can't bare it. When I try to eat my stomach constricts and forces it back up again. I don't know what's wrong but then again I do.

Once, when I was little, I saw my Aunt Helen doing something. She would cut, she said it took away the hurt. I've been trying it since my friends left me on my own. I enjoy watching the delicate red oozing out of my skin. It dulls my senses and that's what I need. It reminds me that I still am alive. The pain is a reminder of what I did to the others.

I have been thinking a lot about Michael recently. About he must have felt. But this time it's different. He could've talked to me. He had people who cared. But I don't, my friends wouldn't care if I told them. I've no one to talk to.

I've written so many goodbye letters. I'll probably never follow through though, however much I want that sweet oblivion. All the letters I have written are sitting on my desk. I've labelled and addressed them. They're ready to be sent when they need to. I've even written one to you. Should the need arise.

Well for now friend,

Goodbye,

Charlie.


	2. Chapter 2

**The next letter. Enjoy!**

 **Warning: Self harm (implied) Suicide attempt (implied)**

Dear friend,

I've made a big mistake. I think they know. Whilst at school today Brad was harassing Patrick. Although I'm supposed to stay away from them I couldn't stand by and watch as they relentlessly hit my friends. I don't really remember what happened, but from what I can work out I punched someone. The numb was overwhelming. What I can remember though, was the confused and concerned looks I was getting after blood from the cuts on my arm started to seep through my shirt sleeve. After that the faintness and light-headedness attacked me and I was forced to close my eyes. That was a mistake. Because as soon as I closed my eyes the images and nightmares came back. Sam probably hates me. I'm a monster. I left school without talking to anybody, not even Sam who was waiting for me.

I walked home after that, not even bothering to change my shirt, which is still being saturated by my blood. I keep crying and I don't know why. I'm even crying as I write this to you. I just want it to be over. I just want to sink into nothingness. I want to be with Michael. I don't want to participate anymore.

My friends keep calling the house. They probably want to tell me how much of a monster I am, how they wished that I hadn't come near them. Nothing that I already didn't know. I'm not going to pick up though. I won't do them harm by talking to them anymore. I already screwed up their friendship. I'm not going to screw it up anymore. Not anymore, not ever again.

I guess those letters I wrote will have a use now.

I just wanted to say thank you for listening. Thank you for being there, although you aren't really. I don't want to you to find out who I am. You don't need to know.

Goodbye friend,

Charlie.


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry this one's a little short. The next one'll make up for that :)**

 **Warnings: Suicide attempt (implied)**

Dear Friend,

I woke up in the hospital today. There was no one there waiting for me. I don't know how or why I am in the hospital. I mean, I know why. Just not why, because I hadn't expected to wake up again.

I still feel numb and I still don't want to participate. I could try again. I mean it's not like anyone would miss me. Is it? Considering no one is waiting for me, I'll take it as a yes.

I don't want to stay here. When I'm here I'm just a burden. No one will truly ever like me. I think I might leave. Yeah that sounds appealing. More appealing than just existing.

This will probably never make it to you friend. But if it should, Don't cry over me. I don't deserve it.

Goodbye for (hopefully) the last time,

Charlie.


	4. Chapter 4

**This is the last letter. But do not fret, I have written Sam's POV throughout the entire thing. Enjoy :)**

 **Warning: Suicidal thoughts (implied)**

Dear Friend,

I woke up again today. But this time it was different. Sam, Patrick, Alice and even Mary Elizabeth were waiting in the room for me, as was my sister. They all looked concerned and upset when I woke up. When I woke up I was confused at why I kept waking up, even when I didn't want to. I saw them and their expressions and felt even more confused. I didn't understand why they were there and voiced as much. They all looked at me like I had grown another head.

"Charlie, we're here because we care about you" In my semi consciousness I couldn't really make out who was talking but I think it was Sam.

"But I ruined everything"

"No you didn't Charlie" This time it was Patrick.

"But you hate me. I hate me"

"No Charlie we don't. We never wanted this to happen." Mary Elizabeth spoke up.

"Yes but I did."

Everybody cried. I hurt them more unintentionally. I should have just stay in the deep caress of sleep. I couldn't handle it so I tried to get up to leave. I should have left, I needed to leave and never come back. I was stopped by Sam though. She hugged me and wouldn't let go.

"Two times Charlie. Twice I waited for you to wake up. That's two times too many." Sam sobbed onto my shirt. I didn't mind.

"I should have never woken up in the first place Sam. I'm just a messed up monster." Whatever I said just made her cry harder and I hated to see her like this.

I sat back down after that and they talked to me. For the first time in almost a month they talked to me. And I finally felt something and it didn't hurt.

I don't think I'll be writing to you for a while. Mainly because I have to start participating again. But mostly because when they talked to me, I felt infinite and I need to remember that.

I'll talk to you soon Friend,

Charlie.


	5. Sam's POV

**This is the last chapter, but it's a big one. This is Sam's POV throughout the entire fiasco. It also includes the canon suicide attempt (you know, the one before the epilogue) and what she was thinking during that. Enjoy!**

 **Warning: Self harm, Suicide attempts, overall depression. (all spoken about, not described)**

Ever since the _incident_ happened and we told Charlie it would be for the best he didn't talk to us for a while, he has slowly been changing. For the first few days he would come up to us and try to start a conversation but we would try to avoid hurting him so we would avoid it. After that he just stopped talking. Not only to us but at all. Even his sister Candace came up to us and asked what was wrong but we just said we didn't know and she left it at that.

He also looked like he hasn't slept or eaten in days, maybe even a week. He has dark bags under his eyes and his cheeks are hollow. He stalks around the school, avoiding everybody. Especially us. I can't help but think this is our fault, my fault, but I don't bring it up because at the moment I am busy trying to salvage and build up the friendship between all of us.

One last worrying detail I noticed was his pale complexion. Of course he is usually pale but what he looks like now is ridiculous. It looks like he has lost a lot of blood, but I just hope it isn't. Because if it is then we should be worried. Very worried. He also tends to have ink smudges on his hand from his type writer and carries around an aura of despair. I hope he's okay. I hope this not just for me but for all of us wallflowers.

_All the trouble started when Brad and Patrick started to fight in the cafeteria. All it took was one word to send Brad to the principal's office and Patrick to the nurse. It's what set Charlie off. I know it. Brads friends were beating Patrick up and Charlie came over and punched them both.

I knew something was up when Charlie's arm started to bleed heavily through his shirt sleeve. Nothing could have cut them whilst he punched them, they must've been cut before hand, and judging by how much blood he was losing, the injuries were bad. It was in that moment that all of my fears came true.

After his arm started to bleed he just stood there. He stood there and closed his eyes. Obviously he visualised something when his eyes shut because the look of absolute self loathing and terror showed it all.

I waited for him outside of school but he didn't notice me, or the fact that his arm was still bleeding heavily. He didn't look at anybody when he left, he didn't even acknowledge any of them. It was then that everybody knew something was wrong with Charlie.

After I got home I started to try and call Charlie. I tried several times but he never picked up. Nobody picked up. I called Mary Elizabeth and Alice to see if they had tried to call. They said they had but also got no response. I tried again, getting more and more worried. I kept trying until I got a call from Candace. It was devastating. Charlie had tried to kill himself. He was more broken than any of us thought. I called everyone else and told them what happened.

We all travelled to the hospital together and sat in the waiting room. Candace came up to us and told us that he had written us all a letter. She had found them in his room when she found him. Charlie was currently in his room unconscious. What had we done?

I quickly opened it to find a long letter written on a typewriter. Everybody had one. I read it and tears escaped my eyes.

 _Dear Sam,_

 _If you are reading this, then I am very sorry. I never really meant for this to happen, but I couldn't handle hurting everybody. Especially you. I just thought to go out doing everybody a favour. That kiss. That kiss ruined everything we had. But truly I knew deep down that we weren't friends and that I was just a burden. I know that you kept me around just because you took pity on the poor, friendless boy I was, am. I don't mind really though. I'm with Michael now. I truly loved him and missed him with all my heart. And like I said when I first met you '_ The second is better that the first _' and so will me and Michaels reunion._

 _I'm sorry for anything that I have done and any hurt I have caused, but I won't be there to cause anymore._

 _Please don't cry over me. I don't deserve your tears. I don't deserve anybodies sympathy. I'm just a crazy monster, that is constantly numb and incapable of feeling._

 _Goodbye Sam, I'll see you around,_

 _Charlie._

I was practically sobbing when the nurse came to us to tell us the news that broke my heart. All of our hearts.

"He regained consciousness-" We all sighed in relief, most noticeably relieved was Mary Elizabeth. She had been most distraught by Charlie's attempted suicide.

"But he has attempted again and will be required to stay for longer while he recuperates." I started to cry again. Why? Was all that was going through my head. Why would sweet, innocent Charlie do this to himself?

Patrick held me as I cried. I couldn't think straight. I just couldn't. Candace had to excuse herself from the room as she was sobbing too hard and couldn't handle it.

"You can go and see him if you wish to." We all nodded and she ushered us into the room where Charlie was. I laid my eyes on him and couldn't control myself. He was paler than he was at school (if that was even possible) and was laid unconscious on the bed. He had several machines and monitor attached to him. His small hospital gown displayed his arms which were littered with cuts, some old, some new and 2 large ones were stitched.

How could we have let it get to this. This is the _second_ time he has attempted to end his life. It was all their faults. If they had listened then they could have helped. But they hadn't and now Charlie was paying the price.

When Charlie finally awoke we all looked at him with concern. We talked to him when he woke up. Or at least we tried to. When he mostly came around he asked us why we were here. I was shocked. Did Charlie truly believe what he wrote in the letter. That we weren't his friends and that he was just a burden no one cared for.

"Charlie, we're here because we care about you" I told him. I want to stop his hurting. I want to fix what I broke.

"But I ruined everything" Charlie asked. His voice raw and hoarse and full of confusion.

"No you didn't Charlie" Patrick spoke up from next to me. he still held me in his arms.

"But you hate me. I hate me" He stated. In all but a whisper. I guess he truly did believe whatever he wrote down.

"No Charlie we don't. We never wanted this to happen." Mary Elizabeth said. She burst into tears and Alice comforted her. I could hear her murmuring something about saying that to Charlie before.

"Yes but I did." Charlie said, barely audibly. He wanted this. He wanted to die. It was our fault, it was my fault. I cried into Patricks shirt. I noticed that a few tears even escaped Patricks eyes.

I heard a rustle and noticed Charlie trying to get up. I looked at him and followed his gaze to a medicine cupboard across the room. No. Not again. Charlie wouldn't, couldn't do this to them again. I freed myself from Patricks embrace and hugged Charlie causing him to stop again.

"Two times Charlie. Twice I waited for you to wake up. That's two times too many." I whispered to him, as I sobbed onto his gown.

"I should have never woken up in the first place Sam. I'm just a messed up monster." Charlie said. Oh Charlie, what has happened to you. Why didn't we see sooner. I cried harder. I wouldn't let him go ever again.

He finally sat down again and I sat next to him. I stayed there until I noticed that Charlie had started to cry. I hugged him like my life depended on it. He finally hugged me back and I noticed a smile break out on his pale and gaunt face. Charlie was back. Our Charlie was back after almost a month and I was relieved. We all were.

I've been at Penn state for about a month when I got a call from Candace. She was crying into the phone and I got the most terrible sense of Déjà vu. He wouldn't, would he?

I got back to the hospital that Charlie was in and saw everybody in the waiting room just like we had been back during high school. I couldn't do this again. This wasn't because of us was it?

The nurse came out and told us of his condition.  
"He is conscious and safe, but he is not permitted visitors. We have a psychiatrist with him at the moment. It appears he has suffered childhood trauma which triggered his 'episode'"

Candace paled with that and all of sudden I knew. He had an episode when I kissed him and when I told him what had happed with me and Richard. He had been sexually abused, like I had. Obviously Candace either hadn't know and wished she had, or had known and wished that she had helped.

A few hours later another woman came to us. She was dressed well and was obviously the psychiatrist.

"Hello, are you friends and family of Charlie?" we all nodded in agreement.

"I have talked to Charlie and we discussed his current _predicament_. It appears that during his childhood he suffered sexual abused from a member of his family." Candace gasped and then started to cry. Tears trickled down all of our faces.

"These suppressed memories caused him to have an 'episode' whenever something triggered him. He also stated that he was 'afraid of losing his friends again'" She concluded. I looked around and noted all of the sad faces looking at the psychiatrist as she spoke.

Candace finally broke the silence.

"Did he say who it was?" She asked.

"Indeed he did. He said that it was his late Aunt Helen." Candace cried more. I didn't understand. Whenever prompted Charlie always said that his Aunt Helen was his favourite person. I guess I will never understand Charlie. He has an infinite personality.


End file.
